Fifteen!!
Fifteen plus Dean and I equaled a trip of 17. Oh my. Was this really happening? Was I in charge?? Egad! Overwhelm set in. I promptly sent out messages conveying excitement but also an establishment of the fact that I was not positioning myself to be a tour guide. Sing with me: "can you feel the anxiety tonight?" The possibilities were potentially electric, so fantastic! But I had fears, too.... Had anyone ever done this before? I needed a blueprint, a model. Help!
[News alert: I feel like I am getting close to booking my Paris ticket. Ahhhhh!! I keep getting nervous about committing to actually doing it and being away from my kids for that long, but I actually just pulled up the flight I want and pretended I was brave enough to click the "submit" button, then had an overwhelming anxious feeling and had to run to the bathroom! Ahh!!
It sounds so ridiculous to say it was hard committing to such a lovely thing, but it just felt so much bigger than me, so unknown.
In the days leading up to the booking of my flight, I found out I didn't have enough miles to book with United, which was the airline/flight I most wanted for ease of scheduling. I had gone in to check and my mileage counter said I only had 8,000 miles. I was confused because I thought I had banked more than that. Could this be a closed door?
The next day, I checked my e-mail and United had sent me an automated message with a mileage accrual report which said, "Dear Lesli Douglass, you have 72,000 miles. You could go to Europe! Book a trip today!" I didn't realize at the time that when checking my mileage I had looked at the wrong line of the statement--some kind of qualifying mileage amount instead of the total miles. I remember literally bursting into the loudest laughter. Haaa!! Sometimes God uses a megaphone. And puts it right next to your EAR. When I added up my mileage, the e-mail from United, my convo with the kids, the message from my girlfriend and having seen the new "Les Miserables" movie the night before, my hand was forced and I couldn't let another day pass without booking. My brain was starting to explode with a certain je ne sais quois.
I clenched my eyes shut, clicked the "submit" button, booked my flight and with fear and trembling stepped out to say...
"This is a life dream. I really want it to happen. Life is short and I just want to 'gather ye rosebuds while ye may.' I may not always have my health or know what lies ahead of me on my life's journey. But I know I'm capable today. And hungry for insanely flaky croissants, straight out of the oven, possibly with chocolate."
Fifteen plus Dean and I equaled a trip of 17. Oh my. Was this really happening? Was I in charge?? Egad! Overwhelm set in. I promptly sent out messages conveying excitement but also an establishment of the fact that I was not positioning myself to be a tour guide. Sing with me: "can you feel the anxiety tonight?" The possibilities were potentially electric, so fantastic! But I had fears, too.... Had anyone ever done this before? I needed a blueprint, a model. Help!
I can be a 'big ideas' person. "Who wants to do [insert any number of crazy adventures I've dreamed up] with me?? Who's in?? Aw, come on!! You can do this, we can do this, let's DO THIS!!" All along, I felt God saying, "Lesli, I will order the trip. I am in charge. You do not have to convince anyone, you do not have to sell anyone. I will prompt the women I have purposed for this trip." And I don't know why I'm amazed, but that's exactly what He did. I was decidedly tight-lipped with any coaxing ambitions that crept in on my tongue. And God began to position people and situations. It was beautiful.
As I watched the trip unfold and saw how many dear ones would actually be taking me up on my offer, I decided to divide the time available into three groups of four nights each. Of course, my travelers were free to arrive early and/or stay late somewhere besides "l'apartmente," but I could offer four nights each. In the end, my three groups settled like this:
Group 1: Beth (Samford friend/college, reconnected via Jesus & Facebook!), Colleen and Danna (Knoxville friends/mothering, church) and Suzanne (friend from Belfast, when Dean and I lived abroad). Suzanne ultimately would not get to come to Paris because of an untimely family situation, but she did get to meet us in London for the day, so she is still part of the 17!
Group 2: Grace, Emily, Mary Beth, Jennifer, Jenny, Claire (Knoxville friends/mothering, preschool, church, Young Life) and Shannon (Atlanta friend who used to be a Knoxville friend/Young Life).
Group 3: The women in my family: Deb (my mom), Denise (my mom's sister), Emma (one of Denise's daughters/my cousin) and Amber (one of my sisters).
Truly amazing. Never in a million Paris sunsets could I have imagined what this had turned into!
But lo, cold feet began to take hold. I began to fear that I didn't have the strength or resolve to leave my family for two weeks. It felt indulgent...risky...scary.... I even felt guilty. Was it really okay for me to leave? It's not every day the average mother just up and books a trip to Paris. I felt like I was coloring outside the lines...and even gave pause to being judged by other women. I hadn't booked my ticket yet, so really I would just have to apologize for getting people's hopes up and wash my hands of it. I could still back out....
But lo, cold feet began to take hold. I began to fear that I didn't have the strength or resolve to leave my family for two weeks. It felt indulgent...risky...scary.... I even felt guilty. Was it really okay for me to leave? It's not every day the average mother just up and books a trip to Paris. I felt like I was coloring outside the lines...and even gave pause to being judged by other women. I hadn't booked my ticket yet, so really I would just have to apologize for getting people's hopes up and wash my hands of it. I could still back out....
God saw all of these feelings and began bombarding me with intentional nudges in favor of the trip. Ultimately, it was His vision, birthed through me. In my battle to believe that this Paris dream would ever be a reality, I kept coming back to that. Here is a journal entry from that time:
[News alert: I feel like I am getting close to booking my Paris ticket. Ahhhhh!! I keep getting nervous about committing to actually doing it and being away from my kids for that long, but I actually just pulled up the flight I want and pretended I was brave enough to click the "submit" button, then had an overwhelming anxious feeling and had to run to the bathroom! Ahh!!
THEN, guess what happened? I logged into facebook ten minutes later and Susanne, one of my girlfriends from Samford days who has never sent me any kind of a message, sent me a private message that said: "Lesli, are you going to Paris in the near future? I am giving myself a 2 week trip to France for my 40th birthday in July and I saw where you mentioned Paris in one of your posts." Seriously??]
It sounds so ridiculous to say it was hard committing to such a lovely thing, but it just felt so much bigger than me, so unknown.
In the days leading up to the booking of my flight, I found out I didn't have enough miles to book with United, which was the airline/flight I most wanted for ease of scheduling. I had gone in to check and my mileage counter said I only had 8,000 miles. I was confused because I thought I had banked more than that. Could this be a closed door?
In the meantime, I was battling doubt and decided to broach the subject with the kids, just to let them know what I was thinking about doing. I took them out on a special lunch date. When I broke the news, Walker and Mamie barely paused in between bites of their mini bran muffins at the Apple Cake Tearoom. Truman, who was 11 at the time and the only one who could even grasp what "two weeks" meant, said, "You HAVE to do this." And then followed it up with, "I mean, it's a milestone birthday!" Thanks, 11-year old son/sage life advisor.
The next day, I checked my e-mail and United had sent me an automated message with a mileage accrual report which said, "Dear Lesli Douglass, you have 72,000 miles. You could go to Europe! Book a trip today!" I didn't realize at the time that when checking my mileage I had looked at the wrong line of the statement--some kind of qualifying mileage amount instead of the total miles. I remember literally bursting into the loudest laughter. Haaa!! Sometimes God uses a megaphone. And puts it right next to your EAR. When I added up my mileage, the e-mail from United, my convo with the kids, the message from my girlfriend and having seen the new "Les Miserables" movie the night before, my hand was forced and I couldn't let another day pass without booking. My brain was starting to explode with a certain je ne sais quois.
I clenched my eyes shut, clicked the "submit" button, booked my flight and with fear and trembling stepped out to say...
"This is a life dream. I really want it to happen. Life is short and I just want to 'gather ye rosebuds while ye may.' I may not always have my health or know what lies ahead of me on my life's journey. But I know I'm capable today. And hungry for insanely flaky croissants, straight out of the oven, possibly with chocolate."
What a fabulous dream come true! Engineered so perfectly by Him. I can't wait to read more...
ReplyDeleteThank you, Raven! It really was. I'm a dreamer by nature but there's no way I could've imagined this. And thanks for being the very first commenter on my blog.;-) I wish a had a ribbon or a sash or a tiara to give you. Place of prominence!
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